I’m a working, breastfeeding mom

 

and today I feel inadequate.

 

The best advice I received while pregnant was give breastfeeding 6 weeks. If you can make it that long, you’ll be able to make it.

 

So I set small timelines for myself. I’ll give it a week, 6 weeks, 3 months. I met all of those goals and I am so proud of myself. I sustained a life with my body alone, for a year now. One year ago,  I was pregnant and for the last 3 months, I’ve breast fed my son.

 

When I started back to work, I would get 12-18 ounces per pumping. It was great and easy and I was so encouraged. But as time has passed, I’m tired, I don’t drink enough, I miss a pumping session here, I get stressed out and in the last few weeks, I’ve watched that 12-18 ounces dwindle to 1-2 ounces per session, maybe 4 on a good day. I’ve watched my freezer stash empty and every time I dipped into it, my heart sank a little.

 

I’m not anti-formula, but now that I’m facing formula feeding as a reality, I hate the thought of giving it to my son. I feel discouraged. I’ve tried to prepare myself for the fact that this day might come. and I know that it doesn’t mean that I have to stop breastfeeding, but today is hard. I feel inadequate and I feel like I failed a little. So tonight, I’ll pump like crazy, try some of the tips and tricks to increase my supply and say a prayer. If it works, great and if not, I’ll pack formula in the morning…and probably cry a little…and I’ll prepare for the next phase of my mommyhood.

My Nectar List

 

 

A few weeks ago I re-posted about a nectar list (the items you’ve crossed off of your bucket list) Here is my list

 

Valentines Day with a Rockstar

Met Jay Leno, Alyissa Milano and Wynona Judd

Picnicked by a waterfall

visited crater lake

been to the grand canyon

walked on the Bonneville Salt Flats

Walked through the Redwoods

Watched Fireworks along the coast from the beach on 4th of July

Swam in oceans on 3 coasts (Atlantic, pacific and Gulf)

Watched the sunrise and set on all 3 coasts

Learned to ride a motorcycle

own a motorcycle

Rode in a Porsche and a viper

had a baby

Fell in love..for real

Ran in the Miss Missouri Pageant

Got into my dream school…and left

Walked over the Hollywood Stars

Have been inside, and got lost in a Beverly Hills Mansion

Stalked Regis Philben in a cab in NYC

Did a photoshoot inside a NASCAR garage

Was the center of a national footwear shoe campaign

Went to Disney Land

Watched a concert on stage, looking out to the crowd

Had an intellectual conversation with an alternative rock band about religion..they were athiests

Stood in the center of Times Square

have the same Best Friend since I was 5

was Honored Queen in my Bethel in Job’s Daughters twice

Managing 5 brands marketing initiatives by 25.

Received a ticket (and unsupervised probation) for Bootlegging

 

 

What items can you add on your nectar list?

 

2 Months…a few weeks late

My baby boy…you have changed my life in just two short months.

You arrived just as my life was falling to pieces. I thought that I wouldn’t make it through. It was the hardest thing I ever had to do. But then you came along and you built me up. You filled in the gaps where my heart was yearning.

 

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I didn’t know if I ever wanted to be a mom, but being your mommy is the best thing that has ever happened to me.

 

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You little smile lights up my heart. Your ooohs and agoos are the only sounds I ever want to hear. You fist clinched around my hair or my shirt or my finger are the only embrace I need.  I watch you sleep and just be for hours at a time. I’m not a morning person, but our mornings together are my new favorite thing.  You bring joy to every one you meet.

 

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We just started on this little journey, I can’t wait to see what the next two months bring.

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