I’m addicted to you.

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Hi I’m Amanda, and I’m an enabler.

I posted a few weeks ago about my boyfriend’s fall into addiction.

Today, I am going to try to talk about mine.

I fell in love…deep, deep love….with Ricky. It’s real and true and I would do anything for him. I would move the world to protect him and in doing so, I helped him fall into his addiction.

It’s a tricky thing to be the loved one of an addict. You see what is happening to them and you hate every second of it. You don’t approve of it, you lecture them and show tough love but you stand by them, because you are all they have left.

You watch as they ruin relationship after relationship. All the while, they promise that they would never do anything to hurt you…and one day they do. So you start to pack your bags and leave and tell them what a terrible person they are and you ask what they are going to do when they are homeless and alone with no one left to turn to, because once you leave, their only option is to go sleep in the park. And they do that night.

They come home the next morning and promise that they are so sorry and that they love you and they will never do it again. They get their shit together for a day, or a week. Slowly, the dishes don’t get done or they sleep all day and they go back to exactly how it was before.

An addicts life is a cycle. To be the loved one of an addict, your life becomes a cycle as well. And just like them, you get sucked in and before you know it, you tolerance of what is acceptable is lowered. You stop telling people about what is going on because you know it is wrong, but you just can’t stand to see that look asking why you are still around.

I can’t quit him. I love him. I want to believe that this time it will be different.

It’s not bad all of the time. Most of the time, things are fine and its just the two of you at home, living your life. But he’s sneaking around in the middle of the night, going on a run in your car, maybe he took your money or something else valuable out of the house and you don’t notice it for a few weeks. And when you do find out, it’s after a fight and Amanda it was months ago that I did that. I’m sorry…. and it starts again.

It’s amazing how quickly a strong willed person becomes manipulated by an addict. How quickly they can become worn down and betrayed.

Let me tell you that I NEVER thought I would be this girl. The one who knows better and makes so many stupid decisions. Who accepts this behavior or to be treated this way. One who gives so much love and receives so little in return. A girl who is now facing being a single mom and having to rely on others, when I’ve worked so hard to do well on my own.

I fell in love with a boy who became an addict and I became addicted to him.

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