A year and a few days

4th of July weekend has come and gone.

Independence day was the last good day. After that,  everything changed. I woke up on the 5th of July to police knocking on my door. You were loaded up into the back of a police van and hauled off to jail.

I was 9 months pregnant and alone.

I spent the remainder of my pregnancy isolated in the house. Deciding how I was going to make it through and what choices I needed to make. In reality, I hadn’t been happy in a very long time. Your sickness was mine too. I finally had an outside perspective, and knew that I couldn’t live like that anymore.

I began packing up our house, our home, ready to abandon it all, just a few short weeks before our son was due. Our family would have been complete in another world or another time. Now, it was crumbling in chaos.

This, that was supposed to be the happiest time of my life, was the saddest, hardest, most stressful thing I had ever experienced.

I went into labor two and a half weeks early. I was out to run some errands and to come visit you in jail. My water broke, sitting, talking to you between a glass wall.

I drove myself to the hospital, and called my mom along the way. I arrived and she was just a few minutes behind.

The hospital was going to keep me, and the baby was coming.

I was surrounded by family, the labor room filled with visitors…some that didn’t leave. Our son was brought into this world surrounded by women, who helped make the journey easier for me. I’m grateful to have had that experience, but it’s not what I wanted. The plan was for it to be us.

The reality is, that after all of the visitors left….I was alone in a room with our boy. Just me and him and the in and out check ups of the nurses and doctors.

I was overwhelmed at the notion that after 8 years together, I would be raising our son alone. That you missed his birth. That fatherhood, the one thing you would be exceptionally good at….was passing by….and I was on my own. I felt this paradigm of absolute heartbreak….and absolute overflowing love for my boy. To feel this at the same time, is not something that is easy to explain….the best and the worst feeling existing in a parallel space of your heart. It comes out looking like indifference.

The last year has had many ups and downs. We gave it another shot for a little while. Holding on to some hope that your disease would be managed, but some demons don’t leave until they are ready.

Our boy is pretty freaking magnificent. It’s crazy how something so small can give you so much strength. I hope that one day you find the strength to overcome this trial in your life. Until then, we’ll be trucking along just like we do everyday, growing a little more…and finding a little more happiness along the way.

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