how do i let it get this far?

I see the signs, but the rose colored glasses are far too strong.

These boys come swooping in with a glimmer of illusion, empty promises cause confusion.

The love the real, but the disease they cannot heal.

inner demons rip from inside.

To them i’m a light, solace, and quiet in the night.

me- suffocated under years of tumult and unrequited love. baring the punishment to the expense of long lost lovers.

my heart is much too big, my soul too soft.

The prospect of fantasy and soundless words are my unwavering kryptonite

Internally, I’m wonder woman. Strength, unmatched. Passion, unwavering. Endurance, unquestioned. Buy my heart wall crumbles like an dust at the smallest whisper of lust.



Maybe it’s my calling to love those incapable of loving themselves.

Maybe it’s a reflection of my own soul telling me I don’t love myself.

Maybe I just fall too fast.

Maybe I love too easy.

Maybe I see the love they deserve, even when they will never see it in their own self.

Maybe it’s some sort of superman complex that I think I can be the one to save them.

I’m drawn to tortured souls. Ones that have been through immense pain. Conditioned to feel not good enough. Unworthy of love. Ones who’s self hate is torment to watch.

Time after time…they hide…but the truth comes out little by little, after my heart is already bound.




Dear Ethan,

You my baby, are now in the full trenches of toddlerhood. How fast it’s gone by. No longer my little squishy faced baby, you are a tough and tumbling little boy.

I feel like this birthday is the dawn of a new era for us. This one, you will start to declare your independence and your full personality has finally emerged. This is the start of having a big boy and time is just going to keep rolling faster and faster.

Two has been tough….you are stubborn, though you come by it naturally. We haven’t dealt with too many tantrums, but damn if you don’t ignore me like a full grown husband. You are a story teller, a full blown conversationalist and your imagination is starting to flourish. You are a natural care taker, asking how my day is and smothering me with hugs and kisses when you know I’m feeling down. You love to play fight and cuddle and play outside.

You are dashingly handsome, with your baby blue eyes and huge smile. You love to flirt with the ladies, and Megan has been your girlfriend for most of the year. I don’t think she knows about your weekly exchange with Miss Kim at Mattinglys for free cookies, but we can keep that between us.

You are a little comedian, striking us with a one liner, a well placed cuss word, or some clownish antics. You love to be the center of attention. You are loved by A LOT of people. You steal their hearts, even after just one meeting.

Your huge personality is a lot to deal with sometimes, but I wouldn’t have it any other way.  You bring me right to the very end of my rope, before reeling me back in. I think three is going to be a bit of a bumpy ride, but we both will survive it.


It’s going to be a big year for us, full of change, but I think we are setting up to have a happy little life after this big transition.



I’m excited to see where this year takes us. We both are spreading our wings to fly. I wouldn’t want to be on this adventure with anyone else.

Happy Third Birthday Ethan Gabriel. I love you to pieces squishy face ❤